Chapter 4: Curiosity Got Me (Facing My Biggest Fear)

Ch 1. / Ch 2. / Ch 3. / Ch 4.  / Ch 5.

This deserves a Chapter all it’s own.

Around age 33, I’d become happier and a little more casual about my outings. Some-what of a plateau progress-wise, but at least it wasn’t the Hell I was in years ago! I was invited to a place I’d always wanted to go as a child – California. Two new friends of mine lived there.

I hated planes. Even being at an Airport dropping someone else off, made me nervous! My thoughts about flying were: What if the pressurization gives me one of those agonizing headaches? What if I can’t handle the take off and flying, and the landing just does me in? What if I have a traumatizing “Mother-of-all” Panic Attack? I can’t open a window! I can’t ask to be dropped off! What if my body just can’t handle it?

At the very same time, part of me was angry at the fear! WHAT was the face of this monster? WHAT was I so afraid of? I wanted to meet it. What was on the other side? Whether I opened the door, and crawled with exhaustion past the monster, or said “hey” and told it to step aside – I was going to see what was behind it!

The below picture was my view while waiting to taxi and take-off. My heart wasn’t pounding, actually I was very calm. An “I’m not really here”, calm. I asked myself “What am I thinking? I’m on a plane!” Ascending made my head feel like it would explode! I assume that was from tension. During layover, I had to really talk myself into the second flight! “If you don’t go, you’ll just find yourself here again some day! You’ll be disappointed in yourself if you turn back.” The second take off, I was surprisingly fine!


My time in California was hit and miss. I had shakiness at first, and decent times of enjoyment, though I felt socially insecure (not much of a life to speak of, and not always sure of myself when speaking) I did eat, just not a lot.

Compared to not being able to leave my house without anxiety, in my teens.
And the New York City trips where I’d lose 10 lbs in three days.
I’d say this Plane ride and California trip were a huge improvement!



Ch 1. / Ch 2. / Ch 3. / Ch 4.  / Ch 5.

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